The Second Trimester

I need to write about the second trimester. That's when I first felt you move and you became more to me than a prison sentence for 18 years.
Early in the second trimester is when I remember feeling claustrophobic with you in my belly. Later in the second trimester is also when I started falling in love with you.
For some reason it was so easy to write about BEFORE I knew you.
It was also easier to talk about AFTER you were gone.
This part of the story is tough. It brings me back to a time when I didn't appreciate who you were and were going to be. It brings me back to the naivety believing everything was going to be okay.

The second trimester.

I remember the first time you moved. I was sitting on the couch in my spot, your Daddy was next to me. We had just finished dinner and were watching Netflix.
I felt you move. It was a tiny swish in the bottom right part of my belly. My breath caught and I gasped and jumped. Your Daddy looked over to see if everything was alright. I told him that I thought you moved. You didn't have a name at this point, but we knew, from testing, that you were a little girl. I then started second guessing the feeling. I looked it up on my phone - What does it feel like when baby moves... Some say little bubbles. Or fishes swimming. To me, you always felt like a muscle spasm, but deep in my belly. It was like a muscle spasm because it was uncontrollable and you always moved more than just once. No one described it as a muscle spasm, so I thought I had imagined it.
Looking back now. That WAS your first movement. I remember.

We had many tests and many ultrasounds during the second trimester and you and I always passed with flying colors.
No diabetes.
No genetic defects.
Strong heartbeats.
Strong movements.

I started having my panic attacks again in the second trimester too. Who knows why. Looking back, it was probably the incessant worry of if we could afford you. Where you would go to school. Who would watch you as an infant. What stranger would I trust with your life? I was living way in the future. Pretty ridiculous sitting here "in the future" now and looking back at the past. Who knew I wouldn't need to worry about any of these things?

When this picture was taken of you, I didn't know that I would never get to meet you and look into your eyes.

This is when I fell head over heels in love with you. I looked at your little nose, your big ol' belly, those beautiful little lips and just fell in love. 

I didn't fight the fear of loving you. I really believe now that IS what I was doing before seeing you in this sonogram. You weren't real to me. You weren't a little human in my belly. I couldn't see you as a person - you were just a little "thing". 

Not anymore. I loved you, and knew I had to protect you. I was still afraid of all the fears written above, but my maternal instinct was SLIGHTLY kicking in. Just slightly. I knew you were going to be beautiful. I knew you were going to be smart. I knew you were ALIVE. You were. You were alive. I was so worried about me back then. Worried that I wouldn't be able to live through my panic attacks. Worried that I wouldn't be able to drive to work. It was beginning. The agoraphobia. I fought hard to not get on medication. I finally gave in towards the 3rd trimester. I got on the lowest dose possible - I still feel guilty about that choice. If only I could have been stronger for you, would you have lived? 

The second trimester. 

This is when we named you. This is when Mommy FINALLY gave in and admitted to loving you (although I did all along). Did you know your Daddy loved you outright from the start? He was so excited from the first positive test. He would have been your favorite, baby girl. You were definitely his favorite. 

The second trimester was pretty uneventful. Everything was so normal. Everything was so taken for granted. Everything was pretty darn easy, looking back. 

Life was getting ready to get pretty fucking unfair in a few months after this sonogram. Cruel and unfair. I would also get to see the limits of my strength soon. I would also get to see you.

I will need to mentally prepare before hitting the next trimester. The third. When my world turned upside down. 

I miss you times a million

Momma is sitting here trying to think of anything else other than your beautiful face. I can see it so clearly and I don't know who you looked like more. You were only 34 weeks old but yet a person all your own.
I saw you in my mind. Flashes last night as I tried to go to sleep. I don't mean to block you out baby girl, but it just makes me so damn sad. I've never felt this sad in my entire life. I didn't know this sadness was something I could live through. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I can, but somehow I wake up the next day. Alive.
I'm here trying to concentrate on anything else. Facebook, reality shows, drawing, searching amazon. Nothing is keeping my attention. My mind keeps seeing you.  And I cry.
I've cried so much tonight I can't breathe.

I've made plans with your daddy to go to a movie tomorrow night. The last time we were there I was pregnant with you. I remember being afraid that the volume of the movie would scare you in my belly. I was having anxiety attacks pretty much daily at that point, but just trying to work through them. I hope none of that hurt you. Sometimes I wonder if I somehow killed you. Did you feel my stress and worry? We will never know why you left us. What made you die. I hope it wasn't me baby girl.

Everywhere we go now, I question if I would be doing this same thing if you were physically here with us. I know I wouldn't be going to a movie tomorrow. I know for a fact I would be spending every waking moment with you, staring at you, watching you breathe, and loving every moment.

I drew a picture for you my Faeryn Willow. One of many since you've been gone. You are my star. You are the most important thing in my universe. You are up there surrounded by others, yet the only one that matters to me.

I love you more than there are stars in the night sky my baby.

Momma

Time travel and Stillbirth - How I wish one existed and one didn't

I have some crazy thoughts that come into my head (pretty often now-a-days). Last night I was asking myself where I would go back to in time to feel what I felt at that moment. I wouldn't even want to change anything - I wouldn't ask for THAT much. Just go back to an exact moment, that's all I want.

I would go back to 4/06/16. Why, you ask? Why not earlier? Let me explain...
I had a Doctor's appointment with the specialist on 4/05/16. I heard Faeryn's strong heartbeat, had my (oh, so naive) questions answered. And had no idea that stillbirth was something that happened.
April 6th was such a normal day. So, so normal. I went to work, felt Faeryn kick all day. Talked to her. Sang to her in the shower. She was moving just like she always did right after dinner. Tim talked to her that night, kissed my tummy, told her he loved her. Everything was okay in my world that Wednesday. Everything was so normal. What I would give to be back in that moment and pause time. Just live there a little bit longer, feel what my life felt like right then... really live in that moment.

I then daydreamed about where I would take Tim to and freeze time. I know exactly where I would take him back to. It would be 4/08/16. His last day at his old job was 4/07/16, Thursday. All of his friends at work were throwing him a baby shower/goodbye party on 4/08, Friday. He went back at 4:30 for the baby shower. They decorated for him, bought a large sheet cake that said "Welcome Baby Faeryn" with bright pink icing and beautiful white decorations. They bought balloons saying Baby Girl and balloons in all colors. They shared in Tim's happiness, they showed him love, they welcomed his baby girl, his first child - my first child. He took pictures on our camera. Pictures showing everyone laughing, smiling. They "showered" Tim with gifts for Faeryn. His friends helped re-wrap everything so that when he came home with the gifts that Friday night he could watch me open them and see me surprised at everything that was given to us. Our living room was filled with gifts, and balloons. Unfortunately Tim never got to see me open anything, that moment was taken from us. So, I would take him back to BEFORE 5:30pm on 4/08 - definitely before then. Before his happiness was shattered. I would let him live in that moment, bask in the glory of being a dad-to-be. Let him stay in that safe, sweet, loving place just a little bit longer.

Here's the reality. Reality sucks, but here it is.

On Thursday, 4/07/16, sometime around 5:30pm I started questioning when the last time I felt Faeryn move. I hadn't really felt Faeryn move in a while. I couldn't really remember when she last moved - I know FOR SURE she was moving Wednesday after dinner. I thought she moved Thursday morning - it was almost becoming second nature feeling movements in my belly, so it wasn't something that I so much paid attention to. (That really hurt to type that truth, makes me feel so shitty).
I had mentioned to Tim that I hadn't felt her move; I shared this with him when we got into bed Thursday night. I made him try to listen to her heartbeat through my tummy with a toilet paper roll. This was our first attempt ever at him trying to listen to my belly, so we didn't know what he should be hearing or not hearing for that matter. I know that I had a bad gut-instinct that something just wasn't right. Now - let me go ahead and say that I do have panic disorder, so anxiety and getting into a tizzy is something that comes quite naturally to me - Tim is used to this and also used to talking me down. He talked me down that night. Said everything was fine.
Friday morning - 4/08/16. I got up, got dressed, woke Tim up with a kiss goodbye and went to work. Faeryn would sometimes get moving by around 7:30, but she would really move around 10:00am. It was 7:50 when I got into my office. I remember I was the only one in there. I got on all fours, like a cat pose. I shook my belly while in that stance. I talked to her. I said "Come on baby girl, move for mommy. Mommy is starting to panic. You need to move for me. Okay baby girl?"
I got back up sat in my chair, turned on my computer and felt a wave of panic. Placed my hands on my belly and willed her to move. I thought I felt a little twinge down by my cervix. Faeryn always loved to kick or dance on my cervix. It would almost take my breath away sometimes. This was just a tiny, tiny twinge. But to me it was hope. Was that her? I bet it was her.
About 8:30am I felt a roll (for lack of a better term at the time). It was a roll high up in my belly. I went and asked the girls up front if I felt the baby roll is that counted as a kick? They told me yes, and I said "Yea! I've been so nervous all morning. She hasn't really moved for me." I stopped in to my director's office and told her that I was panicking earlier about not feeling the baby move, but now she moved and I felt better. She had a baby 3 months before me, so she got quite nervous. She said that if I haven't felt the baby move I need to call in and talk to my doctor just to be safe.
So - to be safe, I called my Doctor's office. I felt like one of those overly-anxious mother's to be. I was put through to the triage nurse's voicemail. She called me back around 2 hours later. I talked to her and she said to go at lunch and get something warm to eat, a sugary drink, turn off all the lights, no TV, no radio and count 10 kicks in one hour. I didn't know that their office closed early on Fridays.
I went to lunch late, got a coke from McDonalds and drank it. Went and listened to the birds sing at the park and counted kicks. Nothing. No kicks. But I kept telling myself, it was okay. (Fuck, this is getting harder and harder to type). I got back to work, called the Doctor's office and they had closed. I left a voicemail on the triage nurses number. I told her that I hadn't felt any kicks, but that I hoped everything was okay. I left work at 4:30, my normal time. When I stepped outside a voicemail went through to my cell. It was the nurse. She had called and left a message. I wasn't getting it until now. She said she talked to my doctor and "she hoped everything was okay, but if I didn't feel the kicks, Dr. L says to go to triage". I drove home. I didn't know what triage was, and I didn't want to call Tim as he was in the middle of his baby shower. I went home to wait on Tim, I looked up "triage". I called "Baby Place". This was the hospital I was scheduled to deliver at on May 23rd. This was the hospital we were scheduled to tour on Saturday 4/09/16 at 11:00am. THE NEXT DAY.
They said to come in to their maternity triage since I am registered there. They would check me out and make sure everything was okay. I waited. I waited. I waited. I waited for Tim to get home, knowing something was off. Something was wrong. I didn't want to scare him, I didn't want to say the words to him. But I did.
He got home around 5:30pm. He was smiling. He brought all the gifts and the balloons in. Stacked them in the living room. Filled the living room. I said the words. "Hey, remember how I was worried last night about Faeryn? I called the doctor and she said to go to Baby Place if I didn't get Faeryn to move". His face fell. I watched it happen. I quickly added, "It's JUST so that we can be safe, rather than sorry - we will go, hear her heartbeat, and come home and open the gifts."

That never happened.

So there are two moments I would take us back to. One for me. One for Tim. I long to feel that normalcy before I knew that a healthy baby's heart could just stop beating. Before I knew that stillbirth still happened. I want to be naive again. Just for a moment.

Stillborn - 30 days later - 4 weeks and 1 day (She is everywhere)

She is everywhere.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was a pretty rough day to say the least.
Today was worse.
I woke up singing the song that Tim has stated he wants played at his funeral one day. Since Faeryn passed away, Tim now plays that song daily for himself. Every morning in the car on his way to work. The song is by Michael Jackson, "You Are Not Alone". He says he believes that is her song to him.
So that's what I woke up singing this morning. Needless to say it depresses me. Maybe he finds inspiration in it, but me, makes me cry. I get up, put on my robe, pick out clothes to wear to work, walk past the "Baby Girl" balloon from 4/08/16, the day of Faeryn's baby shower, the day we found out she had no heart beat.
The balloon is somehow still inflated. It's a little crinkly but it still floats near the fireplace mantle and moves around when we stir enough air as we walk past.

She is everywhere.

I get dressed, straighten my hair and put on the necklace I wear daily. There are 9 charms on it. It was given to me by someone I've never met in person, but someone that is dear to my heart now. Tim's best friend, Paul - his mother. She was at the baby shower that Tim's work threw for him. The one that the balloon came from. She made me this necklace. It has a picture of Faeryn that she encased in a heart. On that picture it says "Our Heart, Our Faeryn". There is a moon and star charm attached to an emerald, a topaz and a pearl; the birthday gemstones for Faeryn's due date, me and Tim. There is a "F" charm, and an "S" charm. A charm that represents the night sky- purple and diamonds. A sparkly purple charm (the color of the nursery). A diamond charm for Faeryn's actual day of her birth (April 10th), a heart that says "Love" and an angel's wing.

She is everywhere.
 
I go to work this morning and Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues" is on the radio. I'm instantly reminded of the day that Faeryn was in my tummy and I imagined she was dancing to this song a few months ago. I tried to record her moving. I still have the recording on my phone. All you can see is me breathing. But I know what was happening in that video. She was moving so much that morning. I laughed and thought, "this little girl loves her some Johnny Cash", and couldn't wait until the day she was born and I could play it for her, see her reaction. I remembered this like it was yesterday.

She is everywhere.

I get to work, go to put my purse away in my drawer and I see the Sriracha Peas that I would eat every day during my pregnancy. I loved them, craved them. We at work made jokes about me eating those peas every day. They are in little individual packets. I haven't ate them since we lost her.

She is everywhere.

A friend of mine Kathy, at work, came over to check on me today. See how I was doing. I was holding it together, but I knew since this morning that it would be a rough day. I expected to have to excuse myself at least once today. She mentioned that my boss Cheryl, who has a 5 month old and who has become an amazing ally and friend to me said that she wanted to text me on Mother's Day. Cheryl didn't know where I was at emotionally that day. So she didn't. Instead Cheryl, my friend, cried all morning for me on Mother's Day. Kathy said it was probably because Cheryl had her own hopes and dreams as our daughters would be 5 months apart when Faeryn was due, they would have been best friends we always said. Cheryl was mourning the loss too. For me.

She is everywhere.

I showed Kathy the picture I drew/painted of Faeryn. She hasn't seen any pictures of Faeryn. Any of our "Fetal Demise Photography". Our memories. I showed her my drawing and explained that its not "right". I have a picture in my head and I have the photographs but I can't get it right on paper. I then ask her if she wants to see a picture. A picture of my baby girl. I start to cry. She has a straight face and says yes. Through my tears I find the picture I have of her on my phone. A photograph. I show her and turn away. I don't watch her face, I let her zoom in and she now see's the little one that was growing in my tummy all 8 months. The one who's heartbeat she heard with me at my Doctor's appointment 3 days before she died. Such a strong heartbeat that day. I think it makes it so much more real when people see Faeryn. She no longer is a thought, or a thing that happened. She's real.

She is everywhere.

I turned back and Kathy was crying. Last time I saw her cry is when I came in to work and told her I was pregnant back in September. I heard her cry and yell and question WHY when I called her from Maternity Triage to tell her I lost Faeryn. But I saw her cry today. She also kissed Faeryn's picture on my phone. Just like I do. I touch the picture as if I'm touching Faeryn. As that's as close as I will ever get.

She is everywhere,
and yet
She is not here.
 
 

Stillborn - 20 days later - 2 weeks and 6 days (Baby Shower)

Today was the day of my baby shower. Or should I say IS the day of my baby shower. Although it was cancelled. Cancelled because I gave birth to my baby girl, born still, on April 10th at 1:26pm. I was 34 weeks along that Sunday when she was born.

My life right now: I'm so very sad. My heart is so heavy. It's the first "anniversary" I've come across since she was born. I try not to look to the future at the other "anniversaries" that are coming up. Though I think that I need to prepare for those dates.

How I view my grief:
It's like large waves. I see some of the swells coming, and some are like rogue waves that come up from behind and truly take me by surprise. I'm barely floating. My eyes, nose and mouth are the only thing above water at the moment. When these swells come I'm under water, I choke, can feel the water in my lungs and somehow I come back up, cough the water out and its the same - my eyes, nose and mouth are back floating right above the water line. Treading. 

I've been dreading this date since coming out of shock of losing my child. I would say I came out of that shock on April 23rd, 2016. Last Saturday. That was the day I remember feeling the overwhelming sadness of all that I had endured. That was the day that I remember saying to my husband that I feel okay with dying. I've always had a fascination with death, but a fear of death as well - fear of loved ones dying, fear of my own death and how I would go. That Saturday I felt okay with it. I still feel this today. I would not help this process along so I wouldn't categorize myself as suicidal. I'm spiritual, but don't have any religious beliefs that I can follow, such as knowing when I die that I'm going to see my beautiful girl again. I wish I had that belief. I wish I knew that with that gut instinct that others talk about, knowing there's a Heaven, knowing she's there and I will see her again, that I would see her take a breath, see her smile, hear her laugh or hear her voice. I've missed out on all those things that others take for granted. 
So today would have been such a happy day. There were friends and family coming down here to celebrate my Faeryn Willow, still in my Tummy. She would have been  3 weeks and 2 days from her official due date today. There would have been belly rubs and laughter and smiles. Gifts and such appreciation. Appreciation of the people in my life, the thoughtfulness of them just showing up for such a surprise milestone in my life. I would have had my husband and Dad help unload the gifts from the car when I got home. Her nursery would be full. I would definitely be nesting, getting everything just right. I would have started packing my hospital bag with the receiving blankets and at least one cute little newborn outfit. I would be searching online for what you "really need" in your hospital bag. My husband would rub my belly, talk to our girl and give my belly a kiss like he always did. I would rub my belly and tell her that I love her. 
Instead I type these words with a lump in my throat and pain in my heart, heaviness on my chest. I took so much for granted when I look back. I thought everything would be okay. I never expected to be feeling so alone with an aching emptiness in my arms for her, my baby. Only her. No one else can fill that void. I've tried. It's her I need in my arms. Right now. It hurts.

The First Trimester

The stress of telling friends, family and my workplace that I'm now pregnant. This is how I remember the first trimester.
My Mom passed away on April 23rd, 2014. She was sick for so long (7 years) with Frontotemporal Dementia, also known as FTD. She had the semantic variant with Primary Progressive Aphasia. So, I hadn't heard her voice or a sentence for years before she passed away. I really miss my Mom's voice.
Anyway, I remember thinking that SHE would be the one person that would be ecstatic to hear of my pregnancy. She loved babies.
My Mom and Dad's marriage was the romantic love story that you always hear about. They met, fell deeply in love, and he took care of her in their home until she could no longer swallow on her own and passed away.
I remember being so afraid to tell my Dad I was pregnant. I'm not sure why exactly. I mean, I was 37 years old and had been married for 8 years. I think it might be the fact that I'm a "planner". I like to plan all things in my life. He's the same way. The fact that this was unplanned was a bit of a shock. My husband and I weren't using protection for 8 years, but I figured that since it hadn't happened yet, that my eggs must be ancient, old and shriveled up so it just wasn't "meant to be". Oh... how I loved to use that phrase all the time back then.
My best friend was so excited, she was 38 and had just had a little boy. By the time I was due (May 23rd, 2016) they would be one year apart. I think she at that point was imagining our children either being best friends (if it was a boy) or married one day (if it was a girl). I asked her so many questions - she was definitely my go-to person on all pregnancy symptoms in the beginning.
I experienced night sickness. I HATE throwing up, puking, vomiting - whatever you would like to call it. I'm one of those people that would rather be nauseous then throw up and get it over with.
I never once puked. But every night I would feel right on the verge throughout the first trimester.
I bought the book "What to expect when your expecting", I bought ginger candies, I bought gummy prenatal vitamins. I quit taking my allergy nose spray and inspected my new pregnancy app for all medications to see how they were categorized. I felt like I was being pretty responsible. Trying to take this all in stride. I had an OB recommended to me through my General Practitioner, whom she went to. I made an appointment at 9 weeks and 1 day and we got to see what everything looked like in there, in my belly. Tim, my husband was so excited to go to the ultrasound appointment. I remember that clearly.
Here's what we saw:

This was when things changed for me.
Seeing that little tiny bean in there with that big old head and tiny little foot sticking out.
I remember thinking "Wow... there's a little alien being in there!"
Of course I couldn't feel any movements until the 2nd trimester, so I spent the first trimester feeling a little claustrophobic.
I remember one night I got freaked out that I'm having to change my WHOLE LIFE for this baby. You have no idea how this thought haunts me now. There were so many thoughts that now haunt me. I have a whole slew of "Should have's" that I now live with daily. If I could only go back in time... there's so much I would change. And it would all be with me, how I think, and I would have given more love to this little alien being in my belly. I would have cherished every moment.