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It's been 366 days since we found out Faeryn had died. April 8th, 2016.
I've survived this. I've survived my baby dying. I'm still not sure HOW. Tim and I have survived this and grown closer. I'm not sure how that's happened either.
My panic attacks are back and they've grown stronger each month. I've also been extremely sick for three weeks and have been on an inhaler and three rounds of antibiotics. Some nights I was afraid I might go to sleep and not wake up. And then the next morning with my alarm clock, I wake.
We bought Faeryn a cake today. We bought a candle. It's a number 1. I almost cried pulling that candle off the rack. She would be one. Had she lived.
Tim shared that he would have baked Faeryn a chocolate cake, just for her. She would be in her highchair and making a huge mess, covered in chocolate icing. A cake her daddy made. And that's why I love him.
I think we both live in the parallel universe at times. Where we imagine what it would have been like. She would be walking, or at least crawling all over the place. We would know the sound of her voice. We would know what her smiles look like and the color of her eyes. We would know what it feels like to hold her. Alive.
For her one year anniversary I had a portrait commissioned. I will be sharing that with my friends and family. Over this past year, I've learned that the death of a baby makes people extremely uncomfortable. There are also very few people that are comfortable remembering my little girl. Many are loss-moms that are I've come to know as friends.
I still question what I have done wrong. What I have done to deserve such a catastrophic turn of events. Why must I live the rest of my life without my only child. I have also learned that bad shit happens. Sometimes it just happens to good people.
I can't forget that good happens too. Faeryn was a GOOD thing that happened to us. Her death was shitty. Something I can not change. Something I have no control over. But I can remember her life, and how I felt the moment I was able to hold her. How much I loved her and how much my heart grew that day. She made me a mother. She is my daughter. My oldest. My only. She is my heart. My true love. My Star.
https://www.portraitsbydana.com/
