Stillborn - 20 days later - 2 weeks and 6 days (Baby Shower)

Today was the day of my baby shower. Or should I say IS the day of my baby shower. Although it was cancelled. Cancelled because I gave birth to my baby girl, born still, on April 10th at 1:26pm. I was 34 weeks along that Sunday when she was born.

My life right now: I'm so very sad. My heart is so heavy. It's the first "anniversary" I've come across since she was born. I try not to look to the future at the other "anniversaries" that are coming up. Though I think that I need to prepare for those dates.

How I view my grief:
It's like large waves. I see some of the swells coming, and some are like rogue waves that come up from behind and truly take me by surprise. I'm barely floating. My eyes, nose and mouth are the only thing above water at the moment. When these swells come I'm under water, I choke, can feel the water in my lungs and somehow I come back up, cough the water out and its the same - my eyes, nose and mouth are back floating right above the water line. Treading. 

I've been dreading this date since coming out of shock of losing my child. I would say I came out of that shock on April 23rd, 2016. Last Saturday. That was the day I remember feeling the overwhelming sadness of all that I had endured. That was the day that I remember saying to my husband that I feel okay with dying. I've always had a fascination with death, but a fear of death as well - fear of loved ones dying, fear of my own death and how I would go. That Saturday I felt okay with it. I still feel this today. I would not help this process along so I wouldn't categorize myself as suicidal. I'm spiritual, but don't have any religious beliefs that I can follow, such as knowing when I die that I'm going to see my beautiful girl again. I wish I had that belief. I wish I knew that with that gut instinct that others talk about, knowing there's a Heaven, knowing she's there and I will see her again, that I would see her take a breath, see her smile, hear her laugh or hear her voice. I've missed out on all those things that others take for granted. 
So today would have been such a happy day. There were friends and family coming down here to celebrate my Faeryn Willow, still in my Tummy. She would have been  3 weeks and 2 days from her official due date today. There would have been belly rubs and laughter and smiles. Gifts and such appreciation. Appreciation of the people in my life, the thoughtfulness of them just showing up for such a surprise milestone in my life. I would have had my husband and Dad help unload the gifts from the car when I got home. Her nursery would be full. I would definitely be nesting, getting everything just right. I would have started packing my hospital bag with the receiving blankets and at least one cute little newborn outfit. I would be searching online for what you "really need" in your hospital bag. My husband would rub my belly, talk to our girl and give my belly a kiss like he always did. I would rub my belly and tell her that I love her. 
Instead I type these words with a lump in my throat and pain in my heart, heaviness on my chest. I took so much for granted when I look back. I thought everything would be okay. I never expected to be feeling so alone with an aching emptiness in my arms for her, my baby. Only her. No one else can fill that void. I've tried. It's her I need in my arms. Right now. It hurts.

The First Trimester

The stress of telling friends, family and my workplace that I'm now pregnant. This is how I remember the first trimester.
My Mom passed away on April 23rd, 2014. She was sick for so long (7 years) with Frontotemporal Dementia, also known as FTD. She had the semantic variant with Primary Progressive Aphasia. So, I hadn't heard her voice or a sentence for years before she passed away. I really miss my Mom's voice.
Anyway, I remember thinking that SHE would be the one person that would be ecstatic to hear of my pregnancy. She loved babies.
My Mom and Dad's marriage was the romantic love story that you always hear about. They met, fell deeply in love, and he took care of her in their home until she could no longer swallow on her own and passed away.
I remember being so afraid to tell my Dad I was pregnant. I'm not sure why exactly. I mean, I was 37 years old and had been married for 8 years. I think it might be the fact that I'm a "planner". I like to plan all things in my life. He's the same way. The fact that this was unplanned was a bit of a shock. My husband and I weren't using protection for 8 years, but I figured that since it hadn't happened yet, that my eggs must be ancient, old and shriveled up so it just wasn't "meant to be". Oh... how I loved to use that phrase all the time back then.
My best friend was so excited, she was 38 and had just had a little boy. By the time I was due (May 23rd, 2016) they would be one year apart. I think she at that point was imagining our children either being best friends (if it was a boy) or married one day (if it was a girl). I asked her so many questions - she was definitely my go-to person on all pregnancy symptoms in the beginning.
I experienced night sickness. I HATE throwing up, puking, vomiting - whatever you would like to call it. I'm one of those people that would rather be nauseous then throw up and get it over with.
I never once puked. But every night I would feel right on the verge throughout the first trimester.
I bought the book "What to expect when your expecting", I bought ginger candies, I bought gummy prenatal vitamins. I quit taking my allergy nose spray and inspected my new pregnancy app for all medications to see how they were categorized. I felt like I was being pretty responsible. Trying to take this all in stride. I had an OB recommended to me through my General Practitioner, whom she went to. I made an appointment at 9 weeks and 1 day and we got to see what everything looked like in there, in my belly. Tim, my husband was so excited to go to the ultrasound appointment. I remember that clearly.
Here's what we saw:

This was when things changed for me.
Seeing that little tiny bean in there with that big old head and tiny little foot sticking out.
I remember thinking "Wow... there's a little alien being in there!"
Of course I couldn't feel any movements until the 2nd trimester, so I spent the first trimester feeling a little claustrophobic.
I remember one night I got freaked out that I'm having to change my WHOLE LIFE for this baby. You have no idea how this thought haunts me now. There were so many thoughts that now haunt me. I have a whole slew of "Should have's" that I now live with daily. If I could only go back in time... there's so much I would change. And it would all be with me, how I think, and I would have given more love to this little alien being in my belly. I would have cherished every moment.

How it all began

Before...
I asked my husband about 2 years ago - Are you happy with our life? Just us, our cats (we have 4) and no children? I was getting ready to turn 37 and he had just turned 42. He replied "yes". Seemed sincere. Made me feel okay. I wanted to make sure that he was as okay as I was with not having children. I've never been the maternal type. Ever. When we would go to restaurants and were sat next to a family with a child under 8 years old I would normally sigh internally and hope that they wouldn't be loud and obnoxious. If they were under 2 years old I would quickly judge how closely the parents were monitoring the child, as I would not want to attempt to eat dinner next to a family that lets their child scream without addressing the situation.
It's not that I HATED children. I had two nieces whom I adore. It's just that I never had that NEED for children. The biological clock that people mentioned never chimed for me.

Fast forward to 2015. 37 years old. I started a new job in April. I loved it. Everyone was great. I got my own office! I've never had one of those before in my life, and it's HUGE. Everything is pretty darn fantastic.
September 2015: Umm... My periods have been on schedule, 28 day cycles, exact for years. My boobs were sore and I had slight cramping. I remember thinking "just start already". Went to work out, couldn't even do some machines, as the slightest touch to my chest area was crazy pain.
7 days later: Called my best friend. Told her "it's weird, my boobs are really sore, BUT I'm having cramping, BUT I'm around 7 days late." Her immediate response was "Holy Shit, you're pregnant."
8 days later: Searched through the cabinet beneath my sink. I could remember there were ancient pregnancy tests in there. I'm talking SUPER EXPIRED. Surprised there weren't cobwebs on them.
It's 2:00AM, husband is asleep. I take the test out of its foil packaging. Pee on the stick. I can remember not breathing. I stared at the window INTENTLY. The instructions said 2 or 3 minutes and the test will be complete. I remember the second line forming as soon as the "test line" formed.
Holy Fuck. My world turned upside down. I felt nauseous. I was pregnant.
I woke him up, I was crying. He had those gigantic eyeballs that people get when you wake them from a deep sleep and they are pretending they are wide awake. I was crying now. "I'm scared you're going to be mad or freaked out." I say. Who knows what he was thinking was wrong at the time, but I could tell from his face that yes, that sentence had freaked him out. "I'm PREGNANT!". I didn't say this with the elation you may be imagining. Not the type of things you see around the web or on commercials. It was said with complete and utter fear. Fear of his response. Fear of what the fuck am I gonna do??
His response was "It's okay, everything will be okay." I asked "are you freaked out? Are you scared?" He said no. And he hugged me.
I don't know how I fell asleep that night, that part is fuzzy, but I do remember having a full blown, not being able to breathe, panic attack the next morning as I was having coffee. OMG should I be having coffee? I can't even take a Klonopin! Holy Shit. I'm trapped!
My husband grabbed my hand, said to make a doctor's appointment for a real test in case that ancient test upstairs was giving us a false positive.
Thursday my doctors office is open after work hours. I go, pee in a cup. I can feel the puke feeling rising. I try to breathe through it. Doctor comes in - "Yep, you're pregnant."
I think the room diminished to the size of a peep hole. Like I was looking through a periscope. Everything was black around me but there was this tunnel vision. I kept breathing. The room came back into view. I asked "what do I do now?" She said, "Listen, I just had my first child a year ago, and I thought I didn't want children, but they are great. Motherhood changes you, as soon as you have the child, it changes." Yeah, that's what they ALL say. She's one of THEM though. The people that have children and like them. The people who's children like them back. Will my child like me? Too many thoughts, I start to feel claustrophobic and need to find an Obstetrician. I'm considered "High Risk" my general practitioner says. Great. Why? "because you are of advanced maternal age." Jesus.
I'm geriatric and pregnant.