I miss you times a million

Momma is sitting here trying to think of anything else other than your beautiful face. I can see it so clearly and I don't know who you looked like more. You were only 34 weeks old but yet a person all your own.
I saw you in my mind. Flashes last night as I tried to go to sleep. I don't mean to block you out baby girl, but it just makes me so damn sad. I've never felt this sad in my entire life. I didn't know this sadness was something I could live through. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I can, but somehow I wake up the next day. Alive.
I'm here trying to concentrate on anything else. Facebook, reality shows, drawing, searching amazon. Nothing is keeping my attention. My mind keeps seeing you.  And I cry.
I've cried so much tonight I can't breathe.

I've made plans with your daddy to go to a movie tomorrow night. The last time we were there I was pregnant with you. I remember being afraid that the volume of the movie would scare you in my belly. I was having anxiety attacks pretty much daily at that point, but just trying to work through them. I hope none of that hurt you. Sometimes I wonder if I somehow killed you. Did you feel my stress and worry? We will never know why you left us. What made you die. I hope it wasn't me baby girl.

Everywhere we go now, I question if I would be doing this same thing if you were physically here with us. I know I wouldn't be going to a movie tomorrow. I know for a fact I would be spending every waking moment with you, staring at you, watching you breathe, and loving every moment.

I drew a picture for you my Faeryn Willow. One of many since you've been gone. You are my star. You are the most important thing in my universe. You are up there surrounded by others, yet the only one that matters to me.

I love you more than there are stars in the night sky my baby.

Momma

How it all began

Before...
I asked my husband about 2 years ago - Are you happy with our life? Just us, our cats (we have 4) and no children? I was getting ready to turn 37 and he had just turned 42. He replied "yes". Seemed sincere. Made me feel okay. I wanted to make sure that he was as okay as I was with not having children. I've never been the maternal type. Ever. When we would go to restaurants and were sat next to a family with a child under 8 years old I would normally sigh internally and hope that they wouldn't be loud and obnoxious. If they were under 2 years old I would quickly judge how closely the parents were monitoring the child, as I would not want to attempt to eat dinner next to a family that lets their child scream without addressing the situation.
It's not that I HATED children. I had two nieces whom I adore. It's just that I never had that NEED for children. The biological clock that people mentioned never chimed for me.

Fast forward to 2015. 37 years old. I started a new job in April. I loved it. Everyone was great. I got my own office! I've never had one of those before in my life, and it's HUGE. Everything is pretty darn fantastic.
September 2015: Umm... My periods have been on schedule, 28 day cycles, exact for years. My boobs were sore and I had slight cramping. I remember thinking "just start already". Went to work out, couldn't even do some machines, as the slightest touch to my chest area was crazy pain.
7 days later: Called my best friend. Told her "it's weird, my boobs are really sore, BUT I'm having cramping, BUT I'm around 7 days late." Her immediate response was "Holy Shit, you're pregnant."
8 days later: Searched through the cabinet beneath my sink. I could remember there were ancient pregnancy tests in there. I'm talking SUPER EXPIRED. Surprised there weren't cobwebs on them.
It's 2:00AM, husband is asleep. I take the test out of its foil packaging. Pee on the stick. I can remember not breathing. I stared at the window INTENTLY. The instructions said 2 or 3 minutes and the test will be complete. I remember the second line forming as soon as the "test line" formed.
Holy Fuck. My world turned upside down. I felt nauseous. I was pregnant.
I woke him up, I was crying. He had those gigantic eyeballs that people get when you wake them from a deep sleep and they are pretending they are wide awake. I was crying now. "I'm scared you're going to be mad or freaked out." I say. Who knows what he was thinking was wrong at the time, but I could tell from his face that yes, that sentence had freaked him out. "I'm PREGNANT!". I didn't say this with the elation you may be imagining. Not the type of things you see around the web or on commercials. It was said with complete and utter fear. Fear of his response. Fear of what the fuck am I gonna do??
His response was "It's okay, everything will be okay." I asked "are you freaked out? Are you scared?" He said no. And he hugged me.
I don't know how I fell asleep that night, that part is fuzzy, but I do remember having a full blown, not being able to breathe, panic attack the next morning as I was having coffee. OMG should I be having coffee? I can't even take a Klonopin! Holy Shit. I'm trapped!
My husband grabbed my hand, said to make a doctor's appointment for a real test in case that ancient test upstairs was giving us a false positive.
Thursday my doctors office is open after work hours. I go, pee in a cup. I can feel the puke feeling rising. I try to breathe through it. Doctor comes in - "Yep, you're pregnant."
I think the room diminished to the size of a peep hole. Like I was looking through a periscope. Everything was black around me but there was this tunnel vision. I kept breathing. The room came back into view. I asked "what do I do now?" She said, "Listen, I just had my first child a year ago, and I thought I didn't want children, but they are great. Motherhood changes you, as soon as you have the child, it changes." Yeah, that's what they ALL say. She's one of THEM though. The people that have children and like them. The people who's children like them back. Will my child like me? Too many thoughts, I start to feel claustrophobic and need to find an Obstetrician. I'm considered "High Risk" my general practitioner says. Great. Why? "because you are of advanced maternal age." Jesus.
I'm geriatric and pregnant.