I'm so good I can almost fool myself

Ahh. My neighbors.
I live in town homes. We've lived here for 8 years now. We were the quiet couple with cats, that would say hello to our neighbors, but that never bothered anyone or got in anyone's business.
I remember the day that Tim told the young couple two doors down that we were expecting - I was three months along at that point. They were so excited, as the wife (who I will call T) was very pregnant at the time and due in January 2016 with their second child, a little girl. Every time we would see them outside we would wave, and we would ask each other how we were doing etc. Tim and T's husband (Who I will call J) now had something in common, more than just their unruly beards.

There is also a Mom and her daughter that live right next door to us. I caught the Mom staring at my belly one day, doing that sly little glance. I was imagining that she was wondering why I looked like I drank a 6 pack a day as that's what my pregnant belly looked like, a beer belly. I rubbed my belly and said that we were expecting. I was 6 months along at that point. The Mom and daughter were SO happy for us. They gave me a big hug. Every time I would see them out, they would say "Hi Momma! How are you??". We would talk for a few minutes, exchange pleasantries and we would all go in our homes.

This all went on for months - well, up until week 34.

As there was no notice of losing Faeryn... it all happened so fast and unexpected, we hadn't seen the neighbors from April 8th until I was released from the hospital on April 11th. An unfortunate part of being pregnant, delivering your child and not being able to bring her home with you, is you still LOOK pregnant and you have no baby.

So as we got out of our car, J was walking the dog past us. All excited (as per our normal conversations, and he wouldn't know to act otherwise) he asks "You have that baby yet? You guys getting excited?". I look over at Tim, he looks at me and I shake my head no. I told him that "we gave birth to Faeryn yesterday". I will never forget the look of horror on his face. He apologized profusely saying that he shouldn't have asked us, he's so sorry, he can't believe he said something, can't believe he asked. He starts stumbling over his words as he's reaching for his town home door to disappear as quickly as he can. I tell him he couldn't have known, please don't feel bad for asking, we are okay (though we aren't), just trying to relieve his mortification.
I don't want to be seen as "those people" either. The "people with the dead baby". The "people that cry all the time". The "haunted couple". The "pitiful people in Unit F". I could go on and on...

I had the misfortune of sitting out front, smoking a cigarette (yeah I started smoking again, full out chain smoking maniac, just to get through the first few months of this madness), and waiting on my therapist to come by for our appointment. T and J pull up in the truck. I haven't seen any of them since the day mentioned above. T has had her baby, and she's around 3 months old at this point. I start looking down, scanning the grass, look over at my car, and then I notice that maybe I'm being weird, so I look over at them, try to act "normal" and wave or something. J has the baby in a carseat and is now at the door to their home and I see T crawl out of the front seat (her back is facing me) and she stares over at her husband with a completely panicked face - Wide eyes, mouth set in a line. I can almost read her mind with her body language. It says Holy Shit - what do I do??? Do I get my 4 year old out of the car? I can't keep her in there, but SHE is outside. HER, the lady who's baby died. T goes to the backseat and gets the 4 year old out and walks her to the door. I'm now full on staring, as it's SUPER weird, but I want to show how "okay" I am. That I will still speak, I won't cry from seeing a child or baby. I'm not "THAT person" some weirdo that holds fake baby dolls and acts like they are really her baby. Or the lady you hear on the news that has stolen someone's baby/child because she wants a child so bad. I'm DEFINITELY not THAT lady. I would love to have Faeryn, but not some random child, no thanks.
So I speak to the side of T's head (as she is NOT going to look over) and I say "Hi" while waving to their little girl. T stares straight ahead towards their home and says "Oh, she just woke up, she's grouchy". I say "aww, that's okay". They go in.

A few days later I'm finishing up watering the plants and rolling my hose back up. I hear a noise and look to my right. It's J coming out of his house with the dog. I do that weird, smile/grin and look away. Fuck, lets not make everyone uncomfortable, so I stare down at the hose, like this is taking all my attention. He walks the dog behind me and asks quietly "So, how are you doing?". I was actually having a rare, okay day and I stop diddling with the hose, stand up and talk. I tell him that I'm doing okay. I also tell him, with a smile, "Look, I don't want to make you all feel uncomfortable. Like we are crazy people sitting in our house crying all the time. I'm not one of those people that wants to steal babies or anything like that". He has a surprised look on his face and laughs, like he can't believe I've said such a thing. He asks if we are going to try again, to have another baby. I tell him that it was really strange. The night that Faeryn was born, Tim and I discussed that. We knew as soon as she was born, that we were meant to be parents. That we KNEW instantly the amount of love we had to give a child, and that one day we would like to be given that chance. He said that he and T were talking about our situation. And that T stated that if this ever happened to her, that there is no way they would ever have another child. She wouldn't be able to handle it. I nodded in agreement and said I could definitely understand that feeling. As this is the craziest, most awful shit to go through ever. Ever. EVER.

I was hoping after this conversation that it would be better. Maybe we could all go back to normal. That it wouldn't have an awkward vibe if we were all outside at the same time. Unfortunately, T hasn't been the same. She has crab-walked from the car to her house. By that I mean walking sideways with her back facing me and the car seat in front of her. I was confused if she was shielding ME from the baby or shielding the baby from ME. Like I had the plague and if I coughed too close they might catch it. She hasn't spoke to me since I've been home.

This morning I was locking up the house and heard my immediate neighbors (the Mom and her daughter) coming out too. They haven't been AS weird to me as T has, but I can tell they don't really know how to act around me. So I turned around as they were staring down, trying to unlock their car, in a hurry. I said "Goooood Morning!" I shocked myself with the sound of my good morning. It sounded SO normal. SO okay. And you know what? I wasn't okay today. I was really, really sad. I have those days most days now. But I keep trucking. I keep going. I still get up and go to work, I cry in my car before work and some days at lunch. But you know what? I have gotten really, really good at faking it.

I'm so good I can almost fool myself.

*Photo courtesy of Algrim Whitefang

Time travel and Stillbirth - How I wish one existed and one didn't

I have some crazy thoughts that come into my head (pretty often now-a-days). Last night I was asking myself where I would go back to in time to feel what I felt at that moment. I wouldn't even want to change anything - I wouldn't ask for THAT much. Just go back to an exact moment, that's all I want.

I would go back to 4/06/16. Why, you ask? Why not earlier? Let me explain...
I had a Doctor's appointment with the specialist on 4/05/16. I heard Faeryn's strong heartbeat, had my (oh, so naive) questions answered. And had no idea that stillbirth was something that happened.
April 6th was such a normal day. So, so normal. I went to work, felt Faeryn kick all day. Talked to her. Sang to her in the shower. She was moving just like she always did right after dinner. Tim talked to her that night, kissed my tummy, told her he loved her. Everything was okay in my world that Wednesday. Everything was so normal. What I would give to be back in that moment and pause time. Just live there a little bit longer, feel what my life felt like right then... really live in that moment.

I then daydreamed about where I would take Tim to and freeze time. I know exactly where I would take him back to. It would be 4/08/16. His last day at his old job was 4/07/16, Thursday. All of his friends at work were throwing him a baby shower/goodbye party on 4/08, Friday. He went back at 4:30 for the baby shower. They decorated for him, bought a large sheet cake that said "Welcome Baby Faeryn" with bright pink icing and beautiful white decorations. They bought balloons saying Baby Girl and balloons in all colors. They shared in Tim's happiness, they showed him love, they welcomed his baby girl, his first child - my first child. He took pictures on our camera. Pictures showing everyone laughing, smiling. They "showered" Tim with gifts for Faeryn. His friends helped re-wrap everything so that when he came home with the gifts that Friday night he could watch me open them and see me surprised at everything that was given to us. Our living room was filled with gifts, and balloons. Unfortunately Tim never got to see me open anything, that moment was taken from us. So, I would take him back to BEFORE 5:30pm on 4/08 - definitely before then. Before his happiness was shattered. I would let him live in that moment, bask in the glory of being a dad-to-be. Let him stay in that safe, sweet, loving place just a little bit longer.

Here's the reality. Reality sucks, but here it is.

On Thursday, 4/07/16, sometime around 5:30pm I started questioning when the last time I felt Faeryn move. I hadn't really felt Faeryn move in a while. I couldn't really remember when she last moved - I know FOR SURE she was moving Wednesday after dinner. I thought she moved Thursday morning - it was almost becoming second nature feeling movements in my belly, so it wasn't something that I so much paid attention to. (That really hurt to type that truth, makes me feel so shitty).
I had mentioned to Tim that I hadn't felt her move; I shared this with him when we got into bed Thursday night. I made him try to listen to her heartbeat through my tummy with a toilet paper roll. This was our first attempt ever at him trying to listen to my belly, so we didn't know what he should be hearing or not hearing for that matter. I know that I had a bad gut-instinct that something just wasn't right. Now - let me go ahead and say that I do have panic disorder, so anxiety and getting into a tizzy is something that comes quite naturally to me - Tim is used to this and also used to talking me down. He talked me down that night. Said everything was fine.
Friday morning - 4/08/16. I got up, got dressed, woke Tim up with a kiss goodbye and went to work. Faeryn would sometimes get moving by around 7:30, but she would really move around 10:00am. It was 7:50 when I got into my office. I remember I was the only one in there. I got on all fours, like a cat pose. I shook my belly while in that stance. I talked to her. I said "Come on baby girl, move for mommy. Mommy is starting to panic. You need to move for me. Okay baby girl?"
I got back up sat in my chair, turned on my computer and felt a wave of panic. Placed my hands on my belly and willed her to move. I thought I felt a little twinge down by my cervix. Faeryn always loved to kick or dance on my cervix. It would almost take my breath away sometimes. This was just a tiny, tiny twinge. But to me it was hope. Was that her? I bet it was her.
About 8:30am I felt a roll (for lack of a better term at the time). It was a roll high up in my belly. I went and asked the girls up front if I felt the baby roll is that counted as a kick? They told me yes, and I said "Yea! I've been so nervous all morning. She hasn't really moved for me." I stopped in to my director's office and told her that I was panicking earlier about not feeling the baby move, but now she moved and I felt better. She had a baby 3 months before me, so she got quite nervous. She said that if I haven't felt the baby move I need to call in and talk to my doctor just to be safe.
So - to be safe, I called my Doctor's office. I felt like one of those overly-anxious mother's to be. I was put through to the triage nurse's voicemail. She called me back around 2 hours later. I talked to her and she said to go at lunch and get something warm to eat, a sugary drink, turn off all the lights, no TV, no radio and count 10 kicks in one hour. I didn't know that their office closed early on Fridays.
I went to lunch late, got a coke from McDonalds and drank it. Went and listened to the birds sing at the park and counted kicks. Nothing. No kicks. But I kept telling myself, it was okay. (Fuck, this is getting harder and harder to type). I got back to work, called the Doctor's office and they had closed. I left a voicemail on the triage nurses number. I told her that I hadn't felt any kicks, but that I hoped everything was okay. I left work at 4:30, my normal time. When I stepped outside a voicemail went through to my cell. It was the nurse. She had called and left a message. I wasn't getting it until now. She said she talked to my doctor and "she hoped everything was okay, but if I didn't feel the kicks, Dr. L says to go to triage". I drove home. I didn't know what triage was, and I didn't want to call Tim as he was in the middle of his baby shower. I went home to wait on Tim, I looked up "triage". I called "Baby Place". This was the hospital I was scheduled to deliver at on May 23rd. This was the hospital we were scheduled to tour on Saturday 4/09/16 at 11:00am. THE NEXT DAY.
They said to come in to their maternity triage since I am registered there. They would check me out and make sure everything was okay. I waited. I waited. I waited. I waited for Tim to get home, knowing something was off. Something was wrong. I didn't want to scare him, I didn't want to say the words to him. But I did.
He got home around 5:30pm. He was smiling. He brought all the gifts and the balloons in. Stacked them in the living room. Filled the living room. I said the words. "Hey, remember how I was worried last night about Faeryn? I called the doctor and she said to go to Baby Place if I didn't get Faeryn to move". His face fell. I watched it happen. I quickly added, "It's JUST so that we can be safe, rather than sorry - we will go, hear her heartbeat, and come home and open the gifts."

That never happened.

So there are two moments I would take us back to. One for me. One for Tim. I long to feel that normalcy before I knew that a healthy baby's heart could just stop beating. Before I knew that stillbirth still happened. I want to be naive again. Just for a moment.

Stillborn - 34 days later - One month and 3 days (Death Certificate)

Today I received her Death Certificate in the mail.
Just the thought of it makes a rock hard lump in my throat and my stomach twist into a knot. I have been working on "not feeling guilty" for the death of my child. That's a tough one to get through. I notice this guilt is always preceded by "should have".

I should have noticed she wasn't moving as much.

I should have went to the hospital sooner.

I should have known.

I received the autopsy results at my last OB appointment on 5/10/16. I asked the questions on my list to the doctor. She went over the fact that Faeryn DID have a normal 3 vessel cord. That the specialist was incorrect. It wasn't a two vessel cord (Single Umbilical Artery), as the specialist had stated on our appointment on 3/29/16. Oh, 3/29/16, that dreaded day when our world first tilted at a slant. Everything was so perfect until 32 weeks along.
I scanned through the autopsy report when I got home from my OB appointment. There was no cause of death stated. Just a bunch of measurements and descriptions on how much my little girls organs weighed, how her skin looked the day after her birth, you know, all the things that no parent "should" have to read about their child. I haven't looked at it since. I've thought about it, but what's it going to solve?
I received a letter addressed from the Funeral Home today. I wasn't sure what was in it. I was thinking maybe a letter or something. Who knew it would be the Death Certificate? Makes sense now, but I wasn't expecting it. To see the official State of Florida Bureau of Vital Statistics information when I opened the envelope, on my little girl, almost made me throw up. Instead of puking, I cried.

I've been trying to come up with what I'm thankful for each day. What I am grateful for. I was asked this from my therapist on our last visit. At that moment my answer was NOTHING. Yes, I was having a fit of pure grief. At the beginning of that therapy session on 5/11/16 I found out that my therapist has taken a wonderful position as a director for a rehabilitation center. A very prestigious job, and of course not one that she could pass up. I've been seeing her since my Mother's death in 2014. I was making such progress. I had not had a panic attack until I found out I was pregnant, she got me through that and then we were working on the death of my child, just over a month ago.

She asked me how the news of her new job, and our termination of therapy made me feel. I cried and said it's another loss. I was angry. I don't know at what exactly. I felt like I was being thrown for yet another loop. I need her.
I'm a overly independent person, I never ask for help. I would rather not impose myself on people. We've been working on that for 2 years, my fear of rejection when asking for help. She is someone that I've come to trust. She is someone that I respect and seek guidance from. She is someone that I need. She is soon to be gone as well.

I will continue to survive. I have never cried so many tears in my entire life. I've lived 37 years of my life without a child, but now I question how I will live the rest of my life without her, my Faeryn Willow. My heart is heavy tonight. It is an actual physical pain. There is a tightness in my chest, an ache. Heartache.

I'm setting up her room tonight. We had just put her crib together the weekend before we found out she died. I was clearing off the shelf and preparing to take that down to fit her crib on that wall. It was all left in disarray and hasn't been touched since she passed away in my belly. Tonight, I'm finishing clearing off the shelves; dusting them. I have cleared off everything that doesn't have meaning. This will be her shelf now. She received some stuffed animal gifts from family and friends before her death. Those are up there. I have a Dr. Seuss book that was mine as a child, it even has my name scrawled in it from my youth. I was going to read that to her. I remember finding that book during my pregnancy and thinking how fun that would be to share with her. Bed time stories with my girl. That book is on her shelf now. A special shelf for my special angel.

So, what am I thankful for tonight... I am thankful for the little girl I had to say goodbye to before I even said hello. She changed my life and my whole being. She changed ME. Completely. She showed me how much I LOVE her by how much I GRIEVE for her. I love her and grieve for her with every inch of my body and soul; every fiber of my being. She taught me true love. I have loved before, but not like this. I felt true love as soon as I birthed her. Instantly- right that moment. I loved her so much that I would do it all over again. Every. Single. Thing. Again. Her life, and her death; I would do it ALL over again, even knowing I couldn't change a thing.

I would live this pain again, just to know her as I know her.

That is true love.

Stillborn - 30 days later - 4 weeks and 1 day (She is everywhere)

She is everywhere.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was a pretty rough day to say the least.
Today was worse.
I woke up singing the song that Tim has stated he wants played at his funeral one day. Since Faeryn passed away, Tim now plays that song daily for himself. Every morning in the car on his way to work. The song is by Michael Jackson, "You Are Not Alone". He says he believes that is her song to him.
So that's what I woke up singing this morning. Needless to say it depresses me. Maybe he finds inspiration in it, but me, makes me cry. I get up, put on my robe, pick out clothes to wear to work, walk past the "Baby Girl" balloon from 4/08/16, the day of Faeryn's baby shower, the day we found out she had no heart beat.
The balloon is somehow still inflated. It's a little crinkly but it still floats near the fireplace mantle and moves around when we stir enough air as we walk past.

She is everywhere.

I get dressed, straighten my hair and put on the necklace I wear daily. There are 9 charms on it. It was given to me by someone I've never met in person, but someone that is dear to my heart now. Tim's best friend, Paul - his mother. She was at the baby shower that Tim's work threw for him. The one that the balloon came from. She made me this necklace. It has a picture of Faeryn that she encased in a heart. On that picture it says "Our Heart, Our Faeryn". There is a moon and star charm attached to an emerald, a topaz and a pearl; the birthday gemstones for Faeryn's due date, me and Tim. There is a "F" charm, and an "S" charm. A charm that represents the night sky- purple and diamonds. A sparkly purple charm (the color of the nursery). A diamond charm for Faeryn's actual day of her birth (April 10th), a heart that says "Love" and an angel's wing.

She is everywhere.
 
I go to work this morning and Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues" is on the radio. I'm instantly reminded of the day that Faeryn was in my tummy and I imagined she was dancing to this song a few months ago. I tried to record her moving. I still have the recording on my phone. All you can see is me breathing. But I know what was happening in that video. She was moving so much that morning. I laughed and thought, "this little girl loves her some Johnny Cash", and couldn't wait until the day she was born and I could play it for her, see her reaction. I remembered this like it was yesterday.

She is everywhere.

I get to work, go to put my purse away in my drawer and I see the Sriracha Peas that I would eat every day during my pregnancy. I loved them, craved them. We at work made jokes about me eating those peas every day. They are in little individual packets. I haven't ate them since we lost her.

She is everywhere.

A friend of mine Kathy, at work, came over to check on me today. See how I was doing. I was holding it together, but I knew since this morning that it would be a rough day. I expected to have to excuse myself at least once today. She mentioned that my boss Cheryl, who has a 5 month old and who has become an amazing ally and friend to me said that she wanted to text me on Mother's Day. Cheryl didn't know where I was at emotionally that day. So she didn't. Instead Cheryl, my friend, cried all morning for me on Mother's Day. Kathy said it was probably because Cheryl had her own hopes and dreams as our daughters would be 5 months apart when Faeryn was due, they would have been best friends we always said. Cheryl was mourning the loss too. For me.

She is everywhere.

I showed Kathy the picture I drew/painted of Faeryn. She hasn't seen any pictures of Faeryn. Any of our "Fetal Demise Photography". Our memories. I showed her my drawing and explained that its not "right". I have a picture in my head and I have the photographs but I can't get it right on paper. I then ask her if she wants to see a picture. A picture of my baby girl. I start to cry. She has a straight face and says yes. Through my tears I find the picture I have of her on my phone. A photograph. I show her and turn away. I don't watch her face, I let her zoom in and she now see's the little one that was growing in my tummy all 8 months. The one who's heartbeat she heard with me at my Doctor's appointment 3 days before she died. Such a strong heartbeat that day. I think it makes it so much more real when people see Faeryn. She no longer is a thought, or a thing that happened. She's real.

She is everywhere.

I turned back and Kathy was crying. Last time I saw her cry is when I came in to work and told her I was pregnant back in September. I heard her cry and yell and question WHY when I called her from Maternity Triage to tell her I lost Faeryn. But I saw her cry today. She also kissed Faeryn's picture on my phone. Just like I do. I touch the picture as if I'm touching Faeryn. As that's as close as I will ever get.

She is everywhere,
and yet
She is not here.