Stillborn - 30 days later - 4 weeks and 1 day (She is everywhere)

She is everywhere.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was a pretty rough day to say the least.
Today was worse.
I woke up singing the song that Tim has stated he wants played at his funeral one day. Since Faeryn passed away, Tim now plays that song daily for himself. Every morning in the car on his way to work. The song is by Michael Jackson, "You Are Not Alone". He says he believes that is her song to him.
So that's what I woke up singing this morning. Needless to say it depresses me. Maybe he finds inspiration in it, but me, makes me cry. I get up, put on my robe, pick out clothes to wear to work, walk past the "Baby Girl" balloon from 4/08/16, the day of Faeryn's baby shower, the day we found out she had no heart beat.
The balloon is somehow still inflated. It's a little crinkly but it still floats near the fireplace mantle and moves around when we stir enough air as we walk past.

She is everywhere.

I get dressed, straighten my hair and put on the necklace I wear daily. There are 9 charms on it. It was given to me by someone I've never met in person, but someone that is dear to my heart now. Tim's best friend, Paul - his mother. She was at the baby shower that Tim's work threw for him. The one that the balloon came from. She made me this necklace. It has a picture of Faeryn that she encased in a heart. On that picture it says "Our Heart, Our Faeryn". There is a moon and star charm attached to an emerald, a topaz and a pearl; the birthday gemstones for Faeryn's due date, me and Tim. There is a "F" charm, and an "S" charm. A charm that represents the night sky- purple and diamonds. A sparkly purple charm (the color of the nursery). A diamond charm for Faeryn's actual day of her birth (April 10th), a heart that says "Love" and an angel's wing.

She is everywhere.
 
I go to work this morning and Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues" is on the radio. I'm instantly reminded of the day that Faeryn was in my tummy and I imagined she was dancing to this song a few months ago. I tried to record her moving. I still have the recording on my phone. All you can see is me breathing. But I know what was happening in that video. She was moving so much that morning. I laughed and thought, "this little girl loves her some Johnny Cash", and couldn't wait until the day she was born and I could play it for her, see her reaction. I remembered this like it was yesterday.

She is everywhere.

I get to work, go to put my purse away in my drawer and I see the Sriracha Peas that I would eat every day during my pregnancy. I loved them, craved them. We at work made jokes about me eating those peas every day. They are in little individual packets. I haven't ate them since we lost her.

She is everywhere.

A friend of mine Kathy, at work, came over to check on me today. See how I was doing. I was holding it together, but I knew since this morning that it would be a rough day. I expected to have to excuse myself at least once today. She mentioned that my boss Cheryl, who has a 5 month old and who has become an amazing ally and friend to me said that she wanted to text me on Mother's Day. Cheryl didn't know where I was at emotionally that day. So she didn't. Instead Cheryl, my friend, cried all morning for me on Mother's Day. Kathy said it was probably because Cheryl had her own hopes and dreams as our daughters would be 5 months apart when Faeryn was due, they would have been best friends we always said. Cheryl was mourning the loss too. For me.

She is everywhere.

I showed Kathy the picture I drew/painted of Faeryn. She hasn't seen any pictures of Faeryn. Any of our "Fetal Demise Photography". Our memories. I showed her my drawing and explained that its not "right". I have a picture in my head and I have the photographs but I can't get it right on paper. I then ask her if she wants to see a picture. A picture of my baby girl. I start to cry. She has a straight face and says yes. Through my tears I find the picture I have of her on my phone. A photograph. I show her and turn away. I don't watch her face, I let her zoom in and she now see's the little one that was growing in my tummy all 8 months. The one who's heartbeat she heard with me at my Doctor's appointment 3 days before she died. Such a strong heartbeat that day. I think it makes it so much more real when people see Faeryn. She no longer is a thought, or a thing that happened. She's real.

She is everywhere.

I turned back and Kathy was crying. Last time I saw her cry is when I came in to work and told her I was pregnant back in September. I heard her cry and yell and question WHY when I called her from Maternity Triage to tell her I lost Faeryn. But I saw her cry today. She also kissed Faeryn's picture on my phone. Just like I do. I touch the picture as if I'm touching Faeryn. As that's as close as I will ever get.

She is everywhere,
and yet
She is not here.