Stillborn - 20 days later - 2 weeks and 6 days (Baby Shower)

Today was the day of my baby shower. Or should I say IS the day of my baby shower. Although it was cancelled. Cancelled because I gave birth to my baby girl, born still, on April 10th at 1:26pm. I was 34 weeks along that Sunday when she was born.

My life right now: I'm so very sad. My heart is so heavy. It's the first "anniversary" I've come across since she was born. I try not to look to the future at the other "anniversaries" that are coming up. Though I think that I need to prepare for those dates.

How I view my grief:
It's like large waves. I see some of the swells coming, and some are like rogue waves that come up from behind and truly take me by surprise. I'm barely floating. My eyes, nose and mouth are the only thing above water at the moment. When these swells come I'm under water, I choke, can feel the water in my lungs and somehow I come back up, cough the water out and its the same - my eyes, nose and mouth are back floating right above the water line. Treading. 

I've been dreading this date since coming out of shock of losing my child. I would say I came out of that shock on April 23rd, 2016. Last Saturday. That was the day I remember feeling the overwhelming sadness of all that I had endured. That was the day that I remember saying to my husband that I feel okay with dying. I've always had a fascination with death, but a fear of death as well - fear of loved ones dying, fear of my own death and how I would go. That Saturday I felt okay with it. I still feel this today. I would not help this process along so I wouldn't categorize myself as suicidal. I'm spiritual, but don't have any religious beliefs that I can follow, such as knowing when I die that I'm going to see my beautiful girl again. I wish I had that belief. I wish I knew that with that gut instinct that others talk about, knowing there's a Heaven, knowing she's there and I will see her again, that I would see her take a breath, see her smile, hear her laugh or hear her voice. I've missed out on all those things that others take for granted. 
So today would have been such a happy day. There were friends and family coming down here to celebrate my Faeryn Willow, still in my Tummy. She would have been  3 weeks and 2 days from her official due date today. There would have been belly rubs and laughter and smiles. Gifts and such appreciation. Appreciation of the people in my life, the thoughtfulness of them just showing up for such a surprise milestone in my life. I would have had my husband and Dad help unload the gifts from the car when I got home. Her nursery would be full. I would definitely be nesting, getting everything just right. I would have started packing my hospital bag with the receiving blankets and at least one cute little newborn outfit. I would be searching online for what you "really need" in your hospital bag. My husband would rub my belly, talk to our girl and give my belly a kiss like he always did. I would rub my belly and tell her that I love her. 
Instead I type these words with a lump in my throat and pain in my heart, heaviness on my chest. I took so much for granted when I look back. I thought everything would be okay. I never expected to be feeling so alone with an aching emptiness in my arms for her, my baby. Only her. No one else can fill that void. I've tried. It's her I need in my arms. Right now. It hurts.