I miss you times a million

Momma is sitting here trying to think of anything else other than your beautiful face. I can see it so clearly and I don't know who you looked like more. You were only 34 weeks old but yet a person all your own.
I saw you in my mind. Flashes last night as I tried to go to sleep. I don't mean to block you out baby girl, but it just makes me so damn sad. I've never felt this sad in my entire life. I didn't know this sadness was something I could live through. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I can, but somehow I wake up the next day. Alive.
I'm here trying to concentrate on anything else. Facebook, reality shows, drawing, searching amazon. Nothing is keeping my attention. My mind keeps seeing you.  And I cry.
I've cried so much tonight I can't breathe.

I've made plans with your daddy to go to a movie tomorrow night. The last time we were there I was pregnant with you. I remember being afraid that the volume of the movie would scare you in my belly. I was having anxiety attacks pretty much daily at that point, but just trying to work through them. I hope none of that hurt you. Sometimes I wonder if I somehow killed you. Did you feel my stress and worry? We will never know why you left us. What made you die. I hope it wasn't me baby girl.

Everywhere we go now, I question if I would be doing this same thing if you were physically here with us. I know I wouldn't be going to a movie tomorrow. I know for a fact I would be spending every waking moment with you, staring at you, watching you breathe, and loving every moment.

I drew a picture for you my Faeryn Willow. One of many since you've been gone. You are my star. You are the most important thing in my universe. You are up there surrounded by others, yet the only one that matters to me.

I love you more than there are stars in the night sky my baby.

Momma

Stillborn - 57 days - One month, 3 weeks and 6 days (I can see her in my mind)

She had a little frog butt.

Tim has the cutest butt. I call it his little frog butt. I always pinch it and smack it when I walk by him. It's just that cute. My little girl had that same little butt. I can remember her little perfect body in every detail. I've been able to picture every little detail for 2 days now, and it won't stop. 

Perhaps some people would think that remembering every detail of your precious daughter is a great thing, maybe one day I will look back and wish I could remember every detail, but for this moment, right now, it hurts me. You know that weight that presses down on your chest? Right above your heart when you feel the heart break? That weight feels like it's around 35 pounds. It's hard for me to breathe.
We have a tropical storm (Colin) coming through Florida today, so we were sent home an hour and a half early. I used that time to do yoga to try to relieve the pressure and pain on my heart. To try to be IN THE MOMENT. To BE HERE NOW. Stop the visions of her perfect little chubby hands that were identical to mine. Stop the visions of her big feet, so much like her Daddy's. Stop seeing the little tummy that was so perfect in it's roundness. The little tummy and chest that never took a breath.  The shape of her tiny little newborn-sized back was so very perfect. Her little shoulder blades, the curve of her neck. I can see it all. And that perfect little frog butt.
I remember when I was pregnant I talked to Tim and told him that one thing I hoped for is that she would have a tiny little frog butt like him. Guess what? She had it.
I probably should have been hoping for a child that would live. Maybe that could have made a difference.