Stillborn - 57 days - One month, 3 weeks and 6 days (I can see her in my mind)

She had a little frog butt.

Tim has the cutest butt. I call it his little frog butt. I always pinch it and smack it when I walk by him. It's just that cute. My little girl had that same little butt. I can remember her little perfect body in every detail. I've been able to picture every little detail for 2 days now, and it won't stop. 

Perhaps some people would think that remembering every detail of your precious daughter is a great thing, maybe one day I will look back and wish I could remember every detail, but for this moment, right now, it hurts me. You know that weight that presses down on your chest? Right above your heart when you feel the heart break? That weight feels like it's around 35 pounds. It's hard for me to breathe.
We have a tropical storm (Colin) coming through Florida today, so we were sent home an hour and a half early. I used that time to do yoga to try to relieve the pressure and pain on my heart. To try to be IN THE MOMENT. To BE HERE NOW. Stop the visions of her perfect little chubby hands that were identical to mine. Stop the visions of her big feet, so much like her Daddy's. Stop seeing the little tummy that was so perfect in it's roundness. The little tummy and chest that never took a breath.  The shape of her tiny little newborn-sized back was so very perfect. Her little shoulder blades, the curve of her neck. I can see it all. And that perfect little frog butt.
I remember when I was pregnant I talked to Tim and told him that one thing I hoped for is that she would have a tiny little frog butt like him. Guess what? She had it.
I probably should have been hoping for a child that would live. Maybe that could have made a difference.