Stillborn - 34 days later - One month and 3 days (Death Certificate)

Today I received her Death Certificate in the mail.
Just the thought of it makes a rock hard lump in my throat and my stomach twist into a knot. I have been working on "not feeling guilty" for the death of my child. That's a tough one to get through. I notice this guilt is always preceded by "should have".

I should have noticed she wasn't moving as much.

I should have went to the hospital sooner.

I should have known.

I received the autopsy results at my last OB appointment on 5/10/16. I asked the questions on my list to the doctor. She went over the fact that Faeryn DID have a normal 3 vessel cord. That the specialist was incorrect. It wasn't a two vessel cord (Single Umbilical Artery), as the specialist had stated on our appointment on 3/29/16. Oh, 3/29/16, that dreaded day when our world first tilted at a slant. Everything was so perfect until 32 weeks along.
I scanned through the autopsy report when I got home from my OB appointment. There was no cause of death stated. Just a bunch of measurements and descriptions on how much my little girls organs weighed, how her skin looked the day after her birth, you know, all the things that no parent "should" have to read about their child. I haven't looked at it since. I've thought about it, but what's it going to solve?
I received a letter addressed from the Funeral Home today. I wasn't sure what was in it. I was thinking maybe a letter or something. Who knew it would be the Death Certificate? Makes sense now, but I wasn't expecting it. To see the official State of Florida Bureau of Vital Statistics information when I opened the envelope, on my little girl, almost made me throw up. Instead of puking, I cried.

I've been trying to come up with what I'm thankful for each day. What I am grateful for. I was asked this from my therapist on our last visit. At that moment my answer was NOTHING. Yes, I was having a fit of pure grief. At the beginning of that therapy session on 5/11/16 I found out that my therapist has taken a wonderful position as a director for a rehabilitation center. A very prestigious job, and of course not one that she could pass up. I've been seeing her since my Mother's death in 2014. I was making such progress. I had not had a panic attack until I found out I was pregnant, she got me through that and then we were working on the death of my child, just over a month ago.

She asked me how the news of her new job, and our termination of therapy made me feel. I cried and said it's another loss. I was angry. I don't know at what exactly. I felt like I was being thrown for yet another loop. I need her.
I'm a overly independent person, I never ask for help. I would rather not impose myself on people. We've been working on that for 2 years, my fear of rejection when asking for help. She is someone that I've come to trust. She is someone that I respect and seek guidance from. She is someone that I need. She is soon to be gone as well.

I will continue to survive. I have never cried so many tears in my entire life. I've lived 37 years of my life without a child, but now I question how I will live the rest of my life without her, my Faeryn Willow. My heart is heavy tonight. It is an actual physical pain. There is a tightness in my chest, an ache. Heartache.

I'm setting up her room tonight. We had just put her crib together the weekend before we found out she died. I was clearing off the shelf and preparing to take that down to fit her crib on that wall. It was all left in disarray and hasn't been touched since she passed away in my belly. Tonight, I'm finishing clearing off the shelves; dusting them. I have cleared off everything that doesn't have meaning. This will be her shelf now. She received some stuffed animal gifts from family and friends before her death. Those are up there. I have a Dr. Seuss book that was mine as a child, it even has my name scrawled in it from my youth. I was going to read that to her. I remember finding that book during my pregnancy and thinking how fun that would be to share with her. Bed time stories with my girl. That book is on her shelf now. A special shelf for my special angel.

So, what am I thankful for tonight... I am thankful for the little girl I had to say goodbye to before I even said hello. She changed my life and my whole being. She changed ME. Completely. She showed me how much I LOVE her by how much I GRIEVE for her. I love her and grieve for her with every inch of my body and soul; every fiber of my being. She taught me true love. I have loved before, but not like this. I felt true love as soon as I birthed her. Instantly- right that moment. I loved her so much that I would do it all over again. Every. Single. Thing. Again. Her life, and her death; I would do it ALL over again, even knowing I couldn't change a thing.

I would live this pain again, just to know her as I know her.

That is true love.