Stillborn - 167 days, or 5 months and 14 days - I miss you as much as the first day.

I haven't written to you in a while, though I have thought about it daily. You know what it would have said? I MISS YOU.

I miss you so much that it takes over my thoughts and makes it so hard to live in this present moment.

I have never missed anyone or anything like I miss you, my baby.

The short time that I felt you, grew you, was the best time of my life. And I didn't know it.

Your short little life, and your death has taught me so much. I would never, ever, wish that you never happened to me. In truth I would choose to do it all over again, just to know you, to see you, even knowing the terrible outcome.

It makes me think of the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Feeling this ache in my heart and the knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without you in it. To wake every morning knowing that you're not here, and that you will never be, makes me question if I would choose to have this pain wiped away with the memories of you. I would be taken back to late September 2015. Before I took the pregnancy test at 2:00AM, before it was a blazing positive. Before I cried and felt so, so afraid. Before I woke your daddy to tell him and ask if he was afraid, if he was mad.

I wouldn't do it. I WOULD NOT. I would not choose to forget you. You were the best part of me, and the best part of your daddy. You were perfect. You were beautiful. You were our star.

There you are. This was immediately after you were born. Before they wiped the vernix from your soft skin. This was the first time I held you. My Baby.
Your daddy and I went to Sanibel on August 31st, almost a month ago. We had just arrived and I got our camera out to take pictures of our room and porch and the view of the beach. I noticed that there were pictures on the SD card. I was standing alone, on the porch and decided to look and see what was on there. You. You were on there. I didn't know. I didn't remember our camera being brought to the hospital. I didn't know that pictures of you were taken on there.
I screamed. I think it was a low guttural yell. I almost threw up. I couldn't breathe. I remember looking around for your daddy. My vision was getting dim - a little black around the edges. I remember that. Your daddy came out on the porch and hugged me while I screamed that "I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know". I was not prepared to see you.
Today. Today these few pictures are my favorite. We had professional pictures done of you later that day. But these - these are early. These are raw. These are you immediately after birth. These are my favorite and they were such a surprise.

I love you Faeryn. More than you will ever, ever know. As fucked up as it sounds you really changed my life for the better. I know that, deep down in my soul. Even as I sit here crying for you. My heart and arms aching to hold you, feeling the worst pain anyone could ever feel. I know that you were worth it all. You changed me. You changed everything about me. I have now known true love, the minute you were birthed from me. And I knew the worst, most extreme pain and sadness having to leave the hospital without you.

How am I five months and 14 days after I met you? I'm broken. I'm broken and slowly putting the pieces back together. There will always be one piece missing. You.